Cheese Crackers

mmmmm. . .

Did you know that Blogger has a function that allows you to see the Google search terms that have landed people on your blog? Oh, it is so delightful. Most of mine appear to be regular--"Ben and Birdy," "world's best pancakes" {shrugs modestly}, stuff like that. But then there are some that crack me up: "why I won't marry Catherine Newman," for example, which I know refers to my piece in Bitch in the House, but which always looks like something Michael might have typed to tease me. Or "Catherine Newman dwarves" (?), "Do tiger barbs have babies?" (I don't know), "Catherine Newman diaper cake" (yum!),"Catherine Newman love affliction" (I get that one), and my new all-time favorite: "menstrual dumplings." I really hope you found what you were looking for, seeker of the menstrual dumpling, but I'm not sure you found it here. Unless it was my recipe for blood-clot spaetzle?

Anyways, one search term I saw today was "Catherine Newman salt," and that makes perfect and excellent sense. Salt! I have a lot to say about salt, many strong feelings about salt, tons of advice about salt. It is in almost all of my recipes, at the heart of all of the deepest cravings of my stomach's soul, the one seasoning I would choose if I could only choose one seasoning. And when I finally launch myself into full-blown fatness, it will be from the plank of salty snacks. I love them--all those salty, styrofoamy veggie "stix" you put out for the kids, the Pirate's Booty and Pringles and Cheetos and Goldfish Crackers. Oh, yum, yum, yum. And so, as always, my goal is to make a typically lame snack a little more nutrient dense so as to have a better excuse for the gorging and the gobbling. Enter the Nutritionally Enriched Cheese Cracker: like Cheez-Its on a spa vacation. Make no mistake: they are rich and salty, cheesy and addictively, insanely, wonderful. But, thanks to the walnuts, the whole-wheat flour, and the loads of cheddar, they are also full of protein, calcium, phyto-nutrients, omegas, minerals, and fiber. Which is good, because I make them, I send the kids to school with some, and then I eat the rest.

Cheese Crackers

Makes tons

Active time: 1 scant hour; total time: 2 hours

This recipe is a cross between Smitten's version of the Lee Bros. Cheese Straws, the Cheddar Cheese Crackers in the Tartine book (which I've renewed from the library, like, 100 times), and these blue-cheese crackers that I make every Christmas. I'm ambivalent about the onion powder, which makes them taste more like packaged junk food, which is both a good and bad thing in my book. Skip it if that sounds unappealing. Likewise, skip the cayenne, if you like, although that little spicy kick will keep the competition down if your kids balk at it. (Oh, and I can't myself imagine cutting out a million little fish shapes, but if you can imagine it, then you should.)

¼ cup white flour

½ cup whole-wheat flour

¼ teaspoon each cayenne and onion powder

1 teaspoon kosher salt

8 ounces sharp cheddar, grated

½ stick (4 tablespoons) butter

2/3 cup walnuts, chopped fine

In a small bowl, whisk together the flours, spices, and salt, and set it aside.

Now here's the order of things, for me: I chop the nuts in the food processor, then dump them out and put in the grating attachment and grate the cheese. Then I put the blade back in with the grated cheese (I just wedge it in, though it would doubtless be easier to dump the cheese out first) and add the dry ingredients and the butter (not the nuts yet). Okay, back to the imperative: process the cheese, butter, and flour mixture until it starts to look clumpy, and not just like a dry whirlwind spinning around. Now add the nuts and process until a ball of dough forms. You'll know this has happened by the sound of something that's been sleeping suddenly waking up and trying to bang its way out of its cage.

Remover the dough and do one of two things: flatten it into a disk, wrap it in plastic wrap, and chill it for an hour (shown here) or shape it into a log (around 1 inch in diameter), wrap it in plastic wrap, and freeze it until hard, around 2 hours.

Heat the oven to 400, and line a pair of baking sheets with parchment paper.

For the disk: On a well-floured surface, keeping the dough floured as you go, roll the dough out thin (1/8-1/4 of an inch), then use a knife, pizza wheel, or pastry roller to cut the dough into small squares or rectangles. Transfer them to the baking sheet, leaving a bit of space between them.

For the log (log!): Use a sharp knife to slice the dough thin, and transfer the rounds, as you cut them, to the baking sheet, leaving a bit of personal space between them.

Bake for 7 or 8 or 9 or 10 minutes, until they are deeply golden on the edges and pale golden in the center--but check them at 5 to get a sense of how quickly they're progressing. You want them done, but not overly browned, unless you like that brown-cheese taste, which some people do. Transfer them to a wire rack to cool completely, then store them airtight.

This is not so complicated, right?

dry ingredients

walnuts

cheeeeez

Let me out! Dough ball WILL escape!

The dough, she is chilled. . .

she is rolled into a crazy shape of a strange color

she is cut

She is poked with a stick. This is called "docking," which means either "poking so it doesn't rise too much" or "trying to make it look more like a Cheez-It," depending on whom you ask. I forgot to mention it in the recipe I think.

ready to bake

baked

cooling

eated up

Have I mentioned how Michael hates cheese crackers? No wonder he won't marry me!

 Yowza. Sorry for the photographic micromanaging.

Thank you for entering the game give-away, which is still open! I'll pick and post a winner at 9 am EST on Friday.

xo