Things I truly appreciate:
- The idea that we're cycling together (We're in love! Plus, I get to picture us all on a giant tandem bike with dozens of sets of pedals.)
- Tips on stain removal [Deleted parenthetical comment about the state of the author's undies]
- Suggestions about menstrual products (The Keeper! The Liza Minelli! The Moonbeam! The Spongebob Period Pants! Who new? Well, besides every last one of you guys.)
- When dissenting voices do not post anonymously (For real! Thank you!)
- The fact that so many of you are so naked so much of the time
- The fact that so few of you were paying close enough attention to worry in the first place about anybody driving sloshed
- The image of bloody zucchini
"This article is fantastic; is very interesting and is really good written. It’s just great!! Do you want to know something more? Read it... Glass Bongs and Bong featuring Herbal Smoke, water bongs, bongs online head shop, Marijuana Alternative,glass water bongs, Hashish, Ganja, homemade bongs, Smokeshop, cannibis, legal smoking alternatives for herbal highs and aphrodisia."
Now that's high praise. But really--is anyone looking online to purchase a "homemade bong"? Is it, like, $15 through Paypal, and then you get a box in the mail with a bent Coors Light can in it?
My wondertime column this week is here.
And can I just recommend again that the rest of you Western Mass folks schedule a massage for yourself or a friend with Dr. Hunky? If you already have, I know you haven't been disappointed. We don't call him Mister The Hands for nothing.
RE "Celia's" comment:
ReplyDelete"I wonder if the internet has the information I need! It certainly has addressed a lot of my concerns regarding wang enhancement..." --- Homer Simpson
Plus, "...it is really good written..."
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna start using that. Maybe not. I don't want people thinking I'm spending to much time at Celia's.
Maybe I'll start using that - like "...sorry I didn't understand that question you just asked me, I must be spending too much time at Celia's lately..."
I PICTURED THE GIANT TANDEM BICYCLE TOO! In fact, I'm so pregnancy-addled right now, at first it was the ONLY meaning I could assign to the sentence, and only after reading further did I pick up the necessary (to me, I mean) context and understand we were talking about MENSTRUATING.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand what the concerns about driving sloshed were, either, and had to go back and re-read the other column: "OH!," I finally understood, "They think he's weaving because he was DRINKING WINE." Pregnancy.Addled.
I have been trying to convince my husband that we should take our summer vacation in Western Mass. I promised greate massages! It would be fun. He seems to think a trip from GA to Mass is a little long for a massage. Oh hell, what does he know?
ReplyDeleteOMG. If I didn't consider you as one of my best chic friends (in that weird, I-know-you-just-so-darn-well since I've been reading your journals for the last 5 years mode), I would SO want to move to MA to steal your massage therapist guy. Dang.
ReplyDeleteBut I love you, and I wouldn't EVER go after another woman's man, anyway.
Oh, the zucchini were pretty much normal, but they'd been raised in menstrual-blood aided compost and I could just not get over it.
ReplyDeleteWhen we were first married, we lived above a head shop in the world's cruddiest apartment. Celia would have been the Brain Surgeon of the employees there, believe me.
You are right, Beck's comment about her neighbour offering her zucchini really stuck with me! She is so hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI missed Celia's comment somehow so I will have to revisit it...especially since it is so "good" and all.
I so want to live in Western Mass right about now. I am nursing a sore back after hearing something "pop" while lifting Rosebud last week. I would so love for some talented and trustworthy hands to work their magic on me...does he travel much for work? ;)
Off to Wondertime...or maybe I was already there this week. It is kind of a blur these days.
Take care Catherine!
Catherine, you and Michael should really set up a joint tour - you could do a book reading (or maybe read some excerpts from your new book??? hint, hint) and Michael could give chair massages. Whaddaya think? I'd so be there. Maybe invite Celia to set up a table to display her bongs?
ReplyDeleteAh, periods- sure didn't miss those when I was pregnant!
ReplyDeleteI remember the first one I got after I delivered Lily- totally freaked me out. I saw blood and was like "Oh my God- did I tear some stiches? am I hemorrhorging? What's going on?!" Oh. Right. That little thing called menstration-I had forgotten all about it! In my defense it had been almost a year since I'd had it last...
Yay! That's me!
ReplyDelete"The fact that so few of you were paying close enough attention to worry in the first place about anybody driving sloshed"
I agree with "this must be the place"...a combo tour with you guys? Think of it, Michael could set up a massage table in Barnes and Noble and we could form an assembly line...first massages with Michael and then book signing time with you! You could bring Ben and Birdy and maybe one of them might have the barfing flu, and you could read an exerpt about the barfing flu? It would be like living it. And you could call it the "Catherine Newman-The Experience" tour. *lol* But we'd need lots of Purell. Hmmmm.
Catherine, you are hilarious. We love you so for making us smile and laugh so frequently. :)
I can't believe a) massages cost the same in Mississippi as they do in Massachusetts, and b) how hot Michael is--look at those muscles!! Sorry. Your column was hilarious, as usual.
ReplyDeleteYour uber-smart, sexy hubby needs to use spellcheck. My hubby's an engineer and he can't spell worth a dang, as bright as he is.
ReplyDeleteWestern Mass - I loved your post from way back when you described your trip to MassMoca. Would love to check it out someday. Not a bad trip from No. VT. Up here, we're awash with massage therapists - tough competition! But maybe the demand is just skyrocketing.
One more thing - worst period experience I'll share: on a marathon training run, wearing pad (God knows why), sweating profusely, pad falling onto sidewalk. I kid you not. Luckily not a big group, not heavy flow, words can't describe the embarassment...I've since moved - and used tampons.
If we're all cycling together, does this mean that we're all on the upswing of my graph now? I think it's best that you make sure Michael's appointment book is full until the middle of next month... keep this bunch of randy women away from Michael for the next couple of weeks.
ReplyDeleteAh, damn, I told Celia to check out your latest article and she used it as a business opportunity. She just can't turn it off, that Celia.
I was paying enough attention to think about the driving bit briefly, but it occurred to me that you're too smart and too concerned about your kids to do something that dumb. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, and baby wipes get out every stain...
I noticed the driving/weaving thing but I knew you were talking about the weather. I have been reading your journals for too long to think that it was anything else. That person obviously doesn't "know" you. :)
ReplyDelete"House calls: Price varies depending on distance."
ReplyDeleteJust think what Michael could charge for house calls for all of your readers!
Beck's comment about the menstruum zucchinis reminded me of a book of witchcraft a friend of mine had when I was college (oh so long ago now...) Anyway, one of the "spells" was "How to Make a Man Love You": Basically, what you had to do was collect your menstrual blood, mix it in with some flour dumplings, then cook the menstrual dumplings in a stew, serve it to the object of your affection and hey presto! You're picking out rings and picking the song you'll do your wedding dance to. However, the "spell" does not say what your beloved will do when he finds out what was in those dumplings, or which wine to serve them with.
ReplyDeleteOnce again Catherine, you managed to be uber-fantastique and had me laughing so hard coffee shot out my nose.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so wonderfully comical and realistic! It definately cheers me up and takes my mind off of everything that's going on around here!
You ROCK....
Ok wait, I do live in Western Mass, he is hunky, and I have been trying to find someone I like to do a massage, but it already feels like I'm stalking you just by posting here. Making an appointment with Michael would be weird, I'd have to ask about his kids...like you know "Birdie made any more weird greeting cards?" and tell him about how my kid likes pink too. Really, I'm not stalking you! I didn't choose to live here even! I just ended up here! And now you are offering me hunky massages!
ReplyDeleteI wish I lived in Amhurst....A LMT with a PhD...sweet.
ReplyDeleteCatherine you are too funny....how can you even stand it inside your own head? Keep it up!
You know what I've noticed? The funny thing. When everyone is saying, "Catherine, you are too funny." Your writing has changed a bit. Seriously, how you've gone from this nervous, lamenting parent - worrying about every teeny thing (like we all do) with our kids, to talking about menstruation, warts, massages, wine...
ReplyDeleteIs that what it's like? When your kids get a little older??? Does your brain actually get to think of other things? Besides keeping your 11 month old alive to his 1st birthday (without choking, severe brain trauma, poisoining, etc). That must be neat, makes me a little excited for a few years down the road.
Just how far WILL your husband travel?? Maine?? 'Course, don't tell MY husband... =)
ReplyDeletelol, Michael is so cute, have been reading your blog for 4-5 years, I actually cried when you said goodbye at parentcenter! Well after being addicted to your blog and a few more (you remain my high priestess of mummy blogging!) I've decided to start my own, dont all rush over, not many posts yet, but if you left a comment Catherine, I'd be happy for days!
ReplyDeleteI just checked out Dr. Hunky's site - I didn't realize he had finished! Maybe I missed a week somewhere. Might be worth a trip from Denver . . .
ReplyDeleteIs typing in these letters going to stop Celia from posting?
Catherine,
ReplyDeleteI must tell you that- i love you! i have been sitting here reading and cracking up- you are so talented, so insightful, and so HILARIOUS! after years of reading your journals i feel like i know you. thanks for everything, girl!
Thanks...that's all, just thanks.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say how appealing it is to me that a true Dr. would give me a massage? I'm currently in college (again) and the idea of walking into a history class and the professor scrapping the lesson in favor of back rubs just sounds amazing. It also tells me something about Michael, since with his degree he really could go teach. That means he must have a passion for his work, which is pretty amazing. Tell him to c'mon over to Antioch and "teach" out here. :)
ReplyDeleteWondertime outed me, man! I finally get them to accept my comment and then they print my actual name instead of my made-up name. It is to weep.
ReplyDeleteNot like I'm hiding from the law or anything, but I guess I like that illusion of mystery.
Happy birthday to Birdy. Is it weird that that post made me cry? Or was it just that I read it right after my own 4-ish Girl solemnly held my face in her little pudgy hands and promised me that she would Most Certainly do the Thing I wanted done YESTERDAY. She promised. Would that make me happy?
Yesterday, 5 minutes, 4 years ago, 30 years from now...
you really ARE really good written.....
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday to Birdy! 4-year-olds are excactly the way you write.
ReplyDeleteMy little girl just turned 5, and I am still waiting for the "tender and harmonic" 5-year-old to appear. My daughter still has the moods you describe in the Wondertime-post!
Funny, they are so different (we live in Norway), and so much alike. The only things they have in common are being girls and 4-5 years old, and they both have an older brother. I guess they are pre-programmed, that their DNA contains some sort of message that is turned on at age 4. Time for mood-swings!
Just in case Wondertime gobbles up my comment at some later point...
ReplyDeleteHappy B-Day to Birdy! That post was so lovely. Well, they all are aren't they?
You will have to come by my place one of these days...I would love to introduce you to my little "Birdy" we like to call Rosebud - I still say they kind of look alike even. Not to mention the fierceness!
Oh Catherine - I have been reading you for SO long. I love your insight and humor. I wish I could slow down enough to appreciate my short people more.
ReplyDelete2 of my kids are are Ben & Birdy's ages, and it's so funny how alike they are. But generally, not including the barf issue. I mean, really - the first time the oldest threw up, he was so shocked at the whole thing. He called upstairs to the husband, who was, himself, similarly indosposed, and said "Daddy, I exploded!" So I was reading your recent post about barfing, and I kinda shook my head in sympathy, and thought those fateful words "I'm so glad my kids don't get that very often. Poor Catherine."
Of course, Fate was listening, for the very next day, I listened to the pitterpatter of little morning feet...running to the bathroom to be sick. Fortunately, it only lasted about an hour or so.
A few days later, we decided to go to Boston for the weekend, and the littlest (brother to sickie from above) repeated those lovely morning sounds. In the hotel. Without much in the way of clean laundry. His, of course, lasted for most of the day. That poor hotel room will never be the same.
So the next time? When you write about barfing - I might be forced to NOT think anything sympathetic, for fear that Fate will again be listening.
I am so glad to know that tampon performance declines drastically for everyone after childbirth! I thought it was just me.
ReplyDeleteHELLO makers of tampons! Help us out here would you? I really don't want to use that cup thing.
Dr. Hunky - I love it!! You're too funny. I have to say, his prices are really reasonable. Next time I'm in your neck of the woods, I'll def. give Dr. Hunky a call. I cannot believe he puts his home number on his website? Now all of your fans are probably going to call!
ReplyDelete