tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post116372820025359051..comments2024-03-19T07:54:13.113-04:00Comments on ben and birdy: BenBirdy1http://www.blogger.com/profile/13328557199418095755noreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164742384069579602006-11-28T14:33:00.000-05:002006-11-28T14:33:00.000-05:00this has nothing to do with the current post, but ...this has nothing to do with the current post, but I just finished reading this week's Wondertime bit and I cried...maybe it's just that I only got 4 hours sleep last night, but as the mother of a sensitive son who, at 2 and a half, has yet to experience that pain of exclusion, I can see it coming and my heart aches because of it. A beautifully written piece. Thanks.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164726870105455962006-11-28T10:14:00.000-05:002006-11-28T10:14:00.000-05:00What a wonderful article. I remember the feeling ...What a wonderful article. I remember the feeling of exclusion from my own childhood (I was the new kid many times, and it wasn't usually a good thing) and I've lived through it with 1 1/2 kids so far...it gets worse when they are teenagers!Mamalanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00200657325831762553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164725246693329422006-11-28T09:47:00.000-05:002006-11-28T09:47:00.000-05:00Catherine,I read the Wondertime post and wanted to...Catherine,<BR/><BR/>I read the Wondertime post and wanted to come over and offer some comfort... and I see that many others have had that same thought. I hope the knots in your stomach have smoothed by now. I hope you are reading this with a sort of vague memory about how much you hurt and the apprehension that comes with knowing the hurt will come again but still not really remembering how bad it was at this moment.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, my oldest son turned 7 a few months before Ben did. And I (like others) frequently thought how tender he was, how loving, and how sensitive that to this day he won't watch Finding Nemo or Peter Pan much less anything PG because he finds them too unnerving. Yet I will confess that when he encounters unkindness in his friends, he reacts negatively, calling names, and at home, yelling at his brothers and telling them what to do. You and Michael have been able to give Ben perhaps some extra time to be confident in himself before the hurts began and I hope you appreciate that. It's even harder when you hurt for your child but you must discipline him because his response is understandable but inappropriate. I don't have any bright ideas, just a lot of hope that continued care and love will see him (all of them, really) through it safely.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164686473554176262006-11-27T23:01:00.000-05:002006-11-27T23:01:00.000-05:00The latest Wondertime article is great, Catherine....The latest Wondertime article is great, Catherine. You so accurately expressed how awful it feels to see your child being treated unkindly. It made my heart ache.<BR/><BR/> I'm a new reader--still catching up by reading a few 'Bringing up Ben & Birdy' posts every night before bed. They always make me laugh, sometimes until the tears are streaming down my face. I'm going to go through withdrawal when I'm finished and there is only one article a week to read! <BR/><BR/>I almost fell over when I saw your picture in 'O' magazine a while back. I realized we had gone to college together, and I was so excited for you, and so impressed with the amazing work you are doing. <BR/><BR/>Hugs to you, Catherine. And if you haven't read it already, "Raising Cain" is a great book about helping boys to prepare for the unkind behavior they may face as they get older. Now if I could just find a book to help us mothers prepare for it...<BR/><BR/>Thank you for your writing. It's a gift to us all.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164683918119560382006-11-27T22:18:00.000-05:002006-11-27T22:18:00.000-05:00Catherine, Your current Wondertime column really r...Catherine, <BR/>Your current Wondertime column really resonated with me. Our 6 year old daughter Rowan went through a similar experience with some of her friends earlier in the school year, and the feeling you described captured exactly how I felt, and still feel. I knew the exclusionary thing was inevitable, especially with girls, but I guess I irrationally hoped that somehow my kids would be magically exempt. And of course they won't. And I know this is just the beginning. And sure, it's part of growing up and all that. But it is such a painful thing to deal with as a parent--indeed more painful for us than for our resilient little kids who are so willing to forgive, forget and let it go. I think the pain stems from a feeling of helplessness, of having to let go little by little (and not totally wanting to) as our kids navigate through their worlds apart from us. It's a tough gig, this parenting thing! <BR/>As always, thank you for sharing your life and making us all feel more connected.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164674435976221392006-11-27T19:40:00.000-05:002006-11-27T19:40:00.000-05:00Catherine,I can tell you I know how you AND Ben fe...Catherine,<BR/>I can tell you I know how you AND Ben feel. You see, I've been on the receiving end of the "excluding" more times than I can count. Not so much anymore, but in school, it was very hard for me. I was, like Ben, a very gentle kid and always gave in like when Ben handed over that knife. It was not a big deal to me. But, my parents felt bad. They always just treated me like I was the best kid in the world and I have since blossomed into healthy self esteme. But, those years, like you said, are your life right now. I am now a parent of a beautiful 4 year old girl and she is quite a darling, if I do say so myself! She is very caring and sweet. She does stick up for herself, so that makes me feel a little better, but just a couple weeks ago, her friend just decided she wasn't in the mood to play with her and just walked away and played with the other kids. It doesn't sound as bad as it really was. So, then I told her that we can just go find her other friend. We went over to that girl, but she's a couple years older and doesn't always pay a lot of attention to my daughter (But I don't blame her because there quite an age difference between a 4 yr old and a 6 yr old.) Anyway, my daughter was heartbroken and just broke down. I felt so bad for her and VERY mad for her. I felt like the mama bear that has been stired. So, I went over to that first little girl and told her that Tori was crying because she wouldn't play with her and how would SHE like it if Tori wouldn't play with her? Well, she came around and even appologized. I think if you confront in a very nice and non-accusatory way, it might help. I am sending you a virtual hug and one for Ben, too. He is a wonderful person and you are a wonderful mother! These years will pass and he'll be a great husband someday just like his father. I am wishing you a quick ending to this unfortunate chapter of life. You are the best!!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164668561627967932006-11-27T18:02:00.000-05:002006-11-27T18:02:00.000-05:00Such, such, such a beautiful piece on Wondertime t...Such, such, such a beautiful piece on Wondertime today, Catherine. <BR/><BR/>The thought of Gretta experiencing that emotional pain we ALL experience at some point just kills me, makes me feel like I've been sliding down a big giant cheese grater. <BR/><BR/>The beautiful (and heartbreaking) thing is that it is that best, sweetest, most sensitive part of them/us that allows them/us to feel that pain at all. And who'd want to cover that bit up, ever? Even for a minute? <BR/><BR/>I enjoy the 'america's funniest' posts, too, but this one was just lovely.<BR/><BR/>Sarahas gretta growshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13190480516763460762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164668080731377712006-11-27T17:54:00.000-05:002006-11-27T17:54:00.000-05:00Oh, honey. I just wish I could crawl right through...Oh, honey. I just wish I could crawl right through the cable connected to my computer and give you a big hug. Of course that's got to be one of the worst things for us, seeing our child experience pain, the deep inside kind of hurt. I too remember so well the left out, not invited to the party adolescent kind of cruelty. Poor kid. Poor you. But he is so lucky to have you, even - no ESPECIALLY with you feeling so torn up about it. It just shows him and everyone else that he matters in this world.theflyingmumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18087901455694508640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164667713356983082006-11-27T17:48:00.000-05:002006-11-27T17:48:00.000-05:00Regarding the newest Wondertime entry - wow. That'...Regarding the newest Wondertime entry - wow. That's intense stuff. I can remember with disturbing clarity the lunch period in 7th grade when my best friend and Christie (the 'new girl') were sitting on the outdoor stage with their backs to the wall and as cold as ice they told me that they were no longer my friends. Sadly, I can also remember, with equal clarity, the day that I broke a boy's heart. I was awful, he was crying, it was completely stupid (on my part) and now, 20 years later it still makes me wince. I can only hope that I haven't set my boys up the pay up on that Karmic debt!<BR/><BR/>It sounds to me like you do all that you can to make sure the boat of Ben is strong and swift and that his inner compas is strong enough to navigate the stormy seas of (pre)adolescent friendships. I'm thinking that's about all you can do really, build a strong boat, teach them to navigate with the stars and offer safe harbor. <BR/><BR/>Sorry for all the lame sea-fairing metaphores...what's a pisces to do?Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04349667959066065427noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164666667728693482006-11-27T17:31:00.000-05:002006-11-27T17:31:00.000-05:00I read your new post and I (as usual) know exactly...I read your new post and I (as usual) know exactly how you feel. We are so wulnerable and skin-less when it comes to our children. We do not want them to get hurt in any way, but how can we protect them against being hurt? As you write, you can't put a band-aid on hurt feelings.<BR/><BR/>My 7 -year old had problems as well, I had to talk to the other children's parents and the chat really helped! The other kids just were thoughtless and didn't realize that my boy was hurt. When they were confronted with the episode(s) they looked really, really shocked and sad, and immediately apologized (without being told to do so) I'll never forget they face of my son's best friend when he realized what he had been part of, it almost made me cry as well.<BR/><BR/>I guess we just have to make our sons and daughters strong enough to be themselves, just as we teach them to wash, eat, draw, ride a bike, swim, read and all the other things we teach them to become self-confident, emphatic, nice persons.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164657993990372262006-11-27T15:06:00.000-05:002006-11-27T15:06:00.000-05:00ok, well today you really touched something. Here...ok, well today you really touched something. Here is the thing. My Ben is so like your Ben in that he is gentle and kind and I want him to grow up and be that person too. I read stories about boys that mothers can't understand with their violence and such and I just can't relate. I love the gentleness in my boy and I fear that all those other little boys are going to hurt him. Yours is already 6 and mine is nearly 3 so they have a lot of life left to live and hurts to suffer through and what you describe is certainly how I am going to feel when kids hurt him. But how do you prepare your wildflower picking boy for that game he has no choice but to play?BensMom04https://www.blogger.com/profile/01889895364784362307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164657195663901262006-11-27T14:53:00.000-05:002006-11-27T14:53:00.000-05:00Just read the new Wondertime post.I want to come o...Just read the new Wondertime post.<BR/>I want to come on over and give both of you a hug. <BR/>I think we all feel every pain that our child feels physical or emotional.<BR/>It's not easy being a kid, then we grow up and re-live the whole thing through our kids.<BR/><BR/>I'm writing this as my 3 year old is having about her 5th tantrum of the day. This time it is over her mattress pad, yes you read that right. She wants to use her mattress pad as a blanket in the living room and I will not let her because I don't want it to be dragged through the house before I put it on her bed. She already took the old ripped mattres pad and is using it to cover our foot stool in the living room. <BR/><BR/>Anyway just wanted to say we all feel your pain. Maybe next week will be more of an "America's Funniest Videos kind of week.<BR/>Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164633798656030362006-11-27T08:23:00.000-05:002006-11-27T08:23:00.000-05:00Sparkly and Sticky...I think that has to be one of...Sparkly and Sticky...I think that has to be one of the best compliments I've ever heard!Mamalanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00200657325831762553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164550371672239372006-11-26T09:12:00.000-05:002006-11-26T09:12:00.000-05:00I want to say "ditto" to what Erin said. I want to...I want to say "ditto" to what Erin said. I want to say I can't believe Ben is 7, but my baby just turned 9 and has started shaving her legs! (Please don't give me a hard time, we are French, and very hairy!) I loved being reminded of the booby pinata, although I did laugh out loud at he fact that Ben added red pom poms. too funny. I will add that my favorite past Ben story is when he was so intrigued with working a paper mill, as my husband and father-in-law both work in one. Thank you thank you thank you, a million times over. Catherine, sometimes it's you alone that make me feel that I am not going copletely insane as a Mommy!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164308369515522672006-11-23T13:59:00.000-05:002006-11-23T13:59:00.000-05:00Erin (above) said it so well, I won't even try. T...Erin (above) said it so well, I won't even try. Thank you! And Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164301195229725772006-11-23T11:59:00.000-05:002006-11-23T11:59:00.000-05:00I almost forgot. I too agree with Erin above, and...I almost forgot. I too agree with Erin above, and wanted to say thank you. Thank You for keeping me afloat during the early years. Bringing Up Ben and Birdy was my saving grace especially at the time I came across it, and it also helped me to not feel so alone. And Thank You for continuing because we all seem to enjoy reading your thoughts.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164300530688101722006-11-23T11:48:00.000-05:002006-11-23T11:48:00.000-05:00I think the pinata story is my favorite, and it wa...I think the pinata story is my favorite, and it was so great to be reminded of it. Then reading the comments, it made me feel like I was sharing memories with old friends, which I always love. I am so grateful for your blog and all of your great articles, you make me laugh, and cry, sometimes at the same times. But it is the ones that make me spit out my coffee that I am especially found of. I don't read as often as I would like or as often as I used to, and I am a little behind.... so Happy Belated Birthday to Ben!! And Happy Thanksgiving to you and all of your other fans. Keep up the great work.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164215670180898342006-11-22T12:14:00.000-05:002006-11-22T12:14:00.000-05:00I second that emotion!I second that emotion!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164182813973685182006-11-22T03:06:00.000-05:002006-11-22T03:06:00.000-05:00It came to me this morning while sitting in some t...It came to me this morning while sitting in some traffic on the way to my son’s school (so very L.A. of me); it came to me that I wanted to say Thank You. I’m one of those people who found being a new mother frighteningly isolating, what with my family being kind of far away and me being the first of few female friends to dive into motherhood. The combination of being physically isolated, overwhelmed with immense love, awe and responsibility – and hormones (oh, and the whole existential crisis thing of ‘who am I now anyway?’), shook my very foundation to the ground. One of the things that reassured me that I was not completely losing my mind, or if I was, then I at least I wasn’t the only one, was stumbling across “Waiting for Birdy” and the weekly column that started it. I know that I am not alone in feeling this way…I see a sea of thanks and praise for your writing every time you post, and I can imagine that it can sometimes feel like a lot of responsibility, like all these moms are depending on you to be the glitter glue of our fragile craft paper chain; but it seems to be your gift to be sparkly and sticky, and I am thankful for that. Your column/s and blog have been an example of the internet at its best….allowing for a meaningful connection where before their might not have been, and helping people not feel so alone in the world. Thank you!Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04349667959066065427noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164173386258942362006-11-22T00:29:00.000-05:002006-11-22T00:29:00.000-05:00Oh, I also wanted to say something about the after...Oh, I also wanted to say something about the after bedtime tv, but I couldn't remember what it was I wanted to say when I was writing my last comment.<BR/><BR/>Here It is:<BR/><BR/>My husband often watches tv in bed while I'm in my office at night. My office is adjoined to our bedroom. Rachel goes to the bathroom in our room at night.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, one night I come out from my office. My husband had gone downstairs but the tv was on. Rachel was on her way back from the bathroom, blanket in hand, staring at the tv. On the tv was what looked like a very rough and tumble sex/getting into bed scene.<BR/><BR/>I kind of froze. Then Rachel gave a little 'heh...that's funny" and walked away.<BR/><BR/>You know what? She was actually right. It was Scrubs. (a comedy) It was supposed to be funny.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164148726260903462006-11-21T17:38:00.000-05:002006-11-21T17:38:00.000-05:00You know, it's totally freaky how you describe exa...You know, it's totally freaky how you describe exactly what goes on in my house with my 6-year old son. Every morning, rush! rush! out the door, then just STOP. He's right by the car, just mesmerized by the weather, the neighbors, whatever. I don't understand how he can forget what to do every morning, but I'm so glad to hear you go thorugh the same thing. You had me in stitches.Kathleenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12201499112475503055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164135712182249722006-11-21T14:01:00.000-05:002006-11-21T14:01:00.000-05:00Oh, so much of the same thing is going on over her...Oh, so much of the same thing is going on over here. My Ben, the Star Wars aficianado, sometimes has my husband and I completely baffled. Something about the things that Chewbacca likes to eat? Apparently gum. "Well, they DO call him 'Chewie'" my husband offers. Now we're laughing, and my son is baffled...theflyingmumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18087901455694508640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164134456704964262006-11-21T13:40:00.000-05:002006-11-21T13:40:00.000-05:00Love this weeks article...it doesn't get better, t...Love this weeks article...it doesn't get better, the 13 year old still does that stop and get lost in thought thing every morning, too. And I spend hours every day translating for the almost 4 year old. <BR/><BR/>When my kids make those comments ("erase that one, I just look like a little kid") it breaks my heart. I understand it, but I wish they understood that them looking like a little kid is the point :) Great article (as usual) Thank you (again and again and again!)Mamalanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00200657325831762553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164128238706145082006-11-21T11:57:00.000-05:002006-11-21T11:57:00.000-05:00"Erase that one," he says. "I just look like a lit..."Erase that one," he says. "I just look like a little kid in that picture."<BR/><BR/>That's only the best line ever.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31773345.post-1164085415428401852006-11-21T00:03:00.000-05:002006-11-21T00:03:00.000-05:00Ooh, la, la! Bravo, Catherine, as usual. We love...Ooh, la, la! Bravo, Catherine, as usual. We love you too, in case you haven't noticed. And we need more moms giving their boys Hello Kitty instead of toy guns. I'm just sayin'. Keep it up.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com